


Alex's Trip Down the Rabbit Hole of Confusion

by FreshPrinceofDalaam



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Bisexuality, M/M, One Shot, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 21:05:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13819443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreshPrinceofDalaam/pseuds/FreshPrinceofDalaam
Summary: I never see any fics focusing on Alex's slow realization of being attracted to another man if your farmer is male, so I decided to write my own.





	Alex's Trip Down the Rabbit Hole of Confusion

It was 4th grade when Jake and Alex had become friends. Jake was new to the town’s small elementary school and Alex quickly took interest in him. Maybe it was just him being the mysterious new kid moving in from the next town over, but whatever it was Alex knew he wanted to get to know him better.

After finding out that Jake moved in only three houses down the block, the two quickly became close friends. They spent warm summer nights camping out in Jake’s backyard switching between throwing Alex’s gridball back and forth and taking turns battling in the newest Pokemon game on Jake’s GBA. Alex and Jake’s friendship was something special of that age as each knew they were friends not out of convenience but of true admiration of one another. Jake admired Alex’s goofy sense of humor, always knowing how to make him laugh, while Alex always admired how quick and sharp Jake was, always knowing the best choices to make in fast-paced situations, whether it be which move to make next in Connect Four or knowing who to blame when his mom asked who brought dirt in the house (hint: it’s always the dog). Alex especially enjoyed his friendship with Jake as he knew he cared. Both were comfortable with the idea that friendship goes both ways, and that each should be there for one another, as that’s what friends do. Alex was never good at becoming very close to other kids his age. Sure he was nice and funny and that’s all that really mattered at that age, but no one in his class was really his friend. Not like how he was with Jake. Something about Jake made him immediately comfortable.

———-

A sleepover was happening at Jake’s house, per usual, when they finished watching the movie that Jake’s mom had rented them from Blockbuster. It was only 9 o'clock but they already had run out of things to do. Jake suggested that they go outside.

It was a standard summer night, where the heat and humidity of the summer day finally began to settle and the crisp breezy wind began to pick up more. Jake had the good sense to grab a blanket as they walked over to an area of grass and sat with the blanket wrapped over their shoulders.

Alex found Jake warm against the cold wind and leaned into him. Alex was glad that Jake was different from other boys who would have been quick to shove him off. Jake didn’t seem to mind the intimacy either as he slowly reaches down to slip his hand into Alex’s.

Alex liked the security that Jake’s hand seemed to being. He smiled as Jake started to tell him about the new book he had begun reading. Alex always liked when Jake told him about his books, since he himself always had a difficult time reading on his own. Whenever he looked down at a book, the letters seemed to easily mix themselves up, giving Alex a headache. But hearing Jake talk about what he had read was enjoyable enough for Alex.

———-

After that night, Jake and Alex began holding hands more often while with each other, though Jake warned that they shouldn’t do it in front of other people. Alex was confused by this but he didn’t care. It was their own special little secret.

———-

One day, after Alex had spent the afternoon at Jake’s house, he decided it was time to go home. Jake offered to walk back with him. While walking down their deserted street, Jake slipped his hand into Alex’s. He gave a small squeeze which Alex warmly returned. Alex felt lively whenever Jake held his hand.

As Alex’s house came closer into view, he could see the figure of his father standing out by the front door. Upon seeing this, Jake quickly pulled his hand out of Alex’s and shoved it into his side coat pockets.  
When they arrived at the door, Jake mumbled out a quick hello sir in which only a cold stare was said in return. His father tells Alex to get inside and closes the door without ever speaking a word in Jake’s direction.

Alex found out that evening what a _fag_ was. A _fag_ is a guy who is messed up enough in the head to like boys rather than girls. A _fag_ is a bad thing to be, and Alex’s father was sure to nail that into his head that night. His father had shoved him screaming that no son of his would be a _fag_ and that he is never allowed to see Jake again after this incident. His father made sure to call Jake’s parents as well to know the situation that was happening. Alex knew how bad it was when he could hear how upset Jake’s parents sounded through the phone. Alex was confused at how something so simple could cause so much pain and anger in other people. Alex felt disgusted with himself. He wasn’t a _fag_. This is just a mistake. Jake would be able to talk Alex out of this if he were here.

———-

But he wasn’t.  
Jake didn’t show up to school the next day.  
Or the next day either.  
Or even the next week.  
Alex tried letters. He tried writing to Jake and shoving his horribly misspelled messages under his home door. When that didn’t work he tried sticky notes on his bike outside, words written on chalk in the street, anything to get Jake to reply back to him. To know he wasn’t alone in this.

But no response ever came.

It spread around the school that Jake had transferred to the elementary school on the other side of town. He found out Jake was on the new school’s gridball team and that he probably had a new best friend way cooler than Alex could ever be.

Any hopes that Alex had of him and Jake reclaiming their friendship were dashed when Alex’s mother had passed that following summer. Alex was sent to live with his grandparents in Pelican Town as his grandmother couldn’t stand the thought of Alex living alone with his abusive father. Before Alex could blink, he was sent to live in another area of the country, completely destroying his chances of ever rekindling his friendship with Jake. Alex felt miserable.

———-

His second day of living in his new home, a girl of the name Haley knocked on his door and introduced herself to Alex. She apparently lived only a few doors down and after talking for a bit he discovered she was also in the same grade as him. Alex liked the waves in her blonde hair and the way her freckles cutely formed a pattern over her nose. Maybe this new area wouldn’t be so bad to live in after all.

———-

It is 12 years later, and Pelican Town is still the small, but the pleasant podunk that it was when Alex had first moved to Stardew Valley. Even after the years, Alex still found himself having trouble generally connecting in the community. Sure, there were other people his own age but he felt too isolated and different from them and not skilled enough socially to hold any conversation further than the average _hi, how are you._

Though he always had Haley. With Haley at least they had some similar interests. On top of that she was beautiful, anyone with eyes could see that. They constantly had talks with one another, some silly while others more deep. Alex felt content when he was with her. She was someone who got who he was and vice versa. She never bothered him about his intelligence and he never bothered her about her stubbornness. He felt perfectly ready to ask her about possibly taking their friendship to the next step.

But then a new farmer came to town.

Not just _a_ new farmer. _The_ new farmer.

The new farmer was a bit shorter than Alex was with light brown hair and beautiful blue-green eyes. Whenever Alex looked down to talk to him, his lovely eyes of ocean teal would always cause Alex to sputter a few moments before he could recollect his thoughts.

Mateo. His name was Mateo. The new farmer’s name was Mateo.

Alex liked the way his name would roll off his tongue. Muh-TAY-oo. It was different, it was new, it was Mateo.

———-

Alex noticed how quickly Mateo became loved by the Pelican Town community. Nobody could stop talking about how lovely that new Mateo was. Alex didn’t blame them. Mateo was an amazing guy that really seemed to try his best to connect with the local community.

During his downtime, Mateo had even found time to pass the gridball back and forth with Alex. He wasn’t the best at it but he didn’t mind, it was actually kind of cute.

_Cute?_

That’s a word you use to describe puppies or pretty girls. _NOT_ the new farmer and especially not the new _male_ farmer.

Alex just pushed the thought far into the back of his head. Mateo was just a good looking guy, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. There’s a clear different from knowing someone is objectively attractive to being actually sexually attracted to them. But the more and more close he became with Mateo, the more he began to think about him. Think about him in the way that he would think of Haley those nights when he would slip his hand between his legs.

He hadn’t felt this way about another guy since… Jake.

Alex quickly realigned his thoughts. He did not like men. His time with Jake was dumb. It was just a silly time that all boys go through at one point or another, nothing more. Alex was definitely not a fruit, a fairy, a… _fag_. He swallowed as he remembered the word his father used to call him. The pain that stupid word caused. How much he _hated_ that word.

But the thought still crept up on him, no matter how many times he tried to push it away. Whenever he went to the beach and saw Mateo, it creeped up on him. Whenever he ran into him at the hot bathes, it creeped up on him. Whenever he saw him in Pierre’s, it creeped up on him. Whenever he saw or even heard about Mateo, it would creep up on him.

———-

It became impossible to bear when Mateo not only remembered his birthday, but gave him his favorite meal with a card to boot.

_Alex,_

_I hope you enjoy my cooking almost as much as I enjoy spending time with you!_

_Mateo_

As much as I enjoy spending time with you.  
Enjoy spending time with you.  
Time with you.  
Enjoy.

Alex had closed the card and quickly hid it in his coat pocket after receiving it, only to shove it in his side table door once he got home. Some nights, without thinking, he would take it out and stare at it, analyzing every word.

_Enjoy._  
_Enjoy._  
_Enjoy._

He would think to himself how Mateo may enjoy spending time with him, but that doesn’t mean anything more than it should. Why is he even thinking about something like this in the first place?  
———-

Later that week, Alex’s mind was still engrossed with the card. His mind began to wander as his hand slipped between his legs, Mateo still fresh on his mind.

 _Fag_.

Alex brushed the thought away. He tried to think about Haley, her weird hot sister, the girls in his magazines, anything feminine, but Mateo kept coming to his head.

 _Fag_.

It kept repeating in his head. The thought haunting him as he realized the reason he was even touching himself this night was because of him. Because of that farmer.

_Fag._

Alex finally let his thoughts over take him as images of Mateo filled his head. Mateo was okay to think about, he was safe. He was a nice guy and nothing that Alex was doing was that odd.

_No son of mine will ever be a fag._

Alex couldn’t sleep that night.

———-

The following morning, Alex, completely exhausted, stared looking at the ceiling. He counted all the little bumps decorating the popcorn textured wall above him. Anything to distract himself from going outside and recognizing these... feelings. Maybe his dad was right. Maybe he was attracted to Mateo in the same way he was attracted to Haley. But worse yet, was Mateo even attracted to Alex in the same way he was, or was Alex just being a creep?

———-

One morning, Alex finally got up and retrieved a piece of paper out from his desk. He could either continue torturing himself or he can get rejected, and honestly being rejected sounded like heaven compared to these constant questions of _what if_ keeping him up at night.

Alex realized he hadn’t written a letter in a while. His memories flashed back to the letters he had written Jake. He thought back to the amount of emotion and heart he had put in mixed with his horrible dyslexic spelling errors. His spelling had gotten much better since then, but he was still extremely self conscious about making the simplest mistake. He kept a dictionary by him as he wrote, double-checking, no, triple-checking to make sure he that everything was perfect. No matter how much it hurt his head to write and read and reread, the letter just had to be flawless.

_Mateo,_

  
_Thank you so much for the birthday gift earlier this week. I’m sorry I’m writing this so late after my birthday had already past, but it’s been a very busy week. I’ve actually been wanting to meet up with you to chat. Could you meet me at the saloon at 8 o’clock Saturday evening? It’s important._

_Alex_

 

Alex stared at the letter. He read it over, analyzing every letter, every period mark, checking for no mistakes. Was it too formal? Letters tended to be more formal than everyday conversation, yet it seemed so stilted and awkward. There was no sign of the emotion that had been evident in his early childhood letters. Maybe that was good. When Mateo chose to reject him, he wouldn’t have the letter to show people to laugh at. Alex hastily folded up the letter and threw it into an envelope. He prayed that when he delivered the letter to Mateo’s mailbox, he would not be on the farm to catch him in the humiliating act.

It seemed Yoba was on his side that morning as Mateo seemed to not be home when Alex came to deliver the letter. Alex threw the letter in the already open mailbox and rapidly walked back to his home. The second he entered, he retreated his room, locked the door and sat himself on his bed. Out the window he saw a flock of birds flying down south for the approaching cold seasons. He swore he could feel his own heartbeat ringing in his ears.

———-

Exactly 8 o’clock, is when Mateo enters the Stardrop Saloon. Alex could feel his mouth go dry but he tries his best to continue a casual nonchalant attitude. He invites him over to the bar for drinks where Mateo joins asking why he invited him out for the night. Alex lets out more than he had wanted, rambling to make sure he didn’t chicken out of his confession. Deep in his cups, he reveals the emotions that he had been feeling for Mateo and the pain it has been causing him by holding it back. His fear of rejection, his fear of what his father called him being true. He reveals far more than he had wished, realizing far too quickly how pathetic this all made him sound.

Mateo, slowly, moves his hand to Alex's knee. It is solid, warm, exactly the way Alex had imagined Mateo’s touch. His eyes were smiling in a way that let Alex know, let him know more than he could have ever dreamed.  
Alex smiles back as he reaches down to lace their fingers together, just as Jake had done to him before. The weight of rejection and his father’s judgement falling slowly off his shoulders.


End file.
